WEST HERTS HOCKEY CLUB

                                                          IN CELEBRATION OF "THE TOUR"

*If these stories seem strangely lacking in detail that's because "What goes on tour, stays on tour..."

West Herts, in common with many other sporting clubs strives to maintain that most fabulous of traditions-"The Tour"- four days away from home and family overindulging in booze and poor food and underindulging in sleep and sporting excellence. It is supposed to be fun.

Over the years our trips have become more an more exotic, and the traditional English seaside town outposts have been forsaken for sunnier climes abroad.

THE CARDIFF TOURING SIDE 1974

L-R REAR: "JOHNNIE" JOHNSON, JP, JOHN "ZAPATA" TILLETT, GEOFF WILLIS, ROD KIRKLAND,

"UNKNOWN", CHRIS THORNHILL, BRIAN WOOLCOTT.

L-R FRONT: JACK CARTER, ANDY NORMAN, PETER NORMAN, BERNIE CORDELL

IN THE BEGINNING...there was Worthing, an Easter festival where the club, playing under its' nickname "Stags", enjoyed a considerable degree of success.

Worthing was followed in the calendar by Cardiff festival held by the Llanishen & Llandaff club at Whitsun weekend. This trip was taken until 1987.

One other, older tour was a bi-annual reciprocal arrangement with Frome HC in Somerset. There are numerous tales of drunken excess from this era, but the whole thing eventually got too serious and fell by the wayside. The elder statesmen of the club remain firmly tight-lipped about many of the events that happened in that quaint Somerset town...

Stop Press: (do they do that anymore in this digital, computerised age?-ed)

I recently met up with J "Johnnie"JJ Johnson and he handed over a mysterious bag of goodies (recyclable) with all manner of old tou programmes, club newsletters, press cuttings- we used to get into print in both the Observer AND the Evening Echo...co...co.......co!

I have had a cursory sift through and there sre some veritable nuggets in there. Over time I will ad these to the site for your enlightenment and amusement. Who would have guessed that both Graham Coltman and Geraint Parry went on tour to Cardiff with Harrow and toured under the amusing name of the "Young Ones", all the players called themselves Rick. 

NICE SHIRTS LADIES

The Ladies section of the club, founded in 1987, were very quick off the mark and began their touring exploits at Clacton in 1990, under the tour name "Drunken Tarts", having loosely based their first tour logo on the Viz cartoon "Fat Slags".  Their first playing shirts were just the beginning of a long line of  "tasteful" sartorial staments that continue to this day. They also purchased enormous quantities of theat staple tour drink- Purple Nasty, although much of this they threw at each other. "Spillage! Hooooover..."

Clacton at that time was a large, friendly, and extremely beer-soaked tournament over Easter weekend, celebrating its 50th year

LET'S GET SNATTERED

1990 saw one of the first "international" tours, when the recently-arrived Maurice Forsythe cobbled together a mixed team to play at Collegians Club in Belfast. American pie was sung ( more than once). 

Here we learnt the true taste of Guinness, and a large number of Protestant songs. The trip was repeated in August for Collegians Festival, sponsored, rather lavishly, by Finlandia vodka! A good time was had by all despite the fact that American Pie was sung.

REBELLION FROM BELOW.

Fed up with waiting for the invite to join the club's "elite" at Worthing the lower echelons of the men's club followed the ladies to Clacton. That first touring team in 1991 was nicknamed the "Wobblers" - not for their skill on a hockey pitch. Under the benign guidance of Chairman Paul Gallagher, the team developed its repertoire of drinking games and heroic failure on the pitch.  Socially, aside from the pier, the "Brian Lee and The Leaders" gig at the town hall was the acme of what was on offer in Clacton and strenuous efforts were made to bottle/ underwear him off the stage. Gallagher's master stroke was to pretend to be the fire officer- despite still being in tour kit.  Sadly American Pie was sung. A far too young P. Luxford may or may not have climbed flag poles at the Ford garage...

In 1992, an  improved team under the banner of "Viking Sons of David Icke" fared rather better. The opening night was spent watching the foul-mouthed Aussie comedian, Kevin "Bloody" Wilson- a rare beacon of high culture in Clacton.

Primed by Chairman Gallagher, "El Luxford"-fresh from school and still not a big drinker- set about a one-man crime wave against the good Burghers of Clacton and a non-stop stream of trophies arrived in the caravan as the weekend progressed. Pete had promised his mother that he would moderate his drinking to a couple of pints a day, but succeeded in breaking that limit every half hour for four days...

American Pie was sung, under protest.

I'LL HAVE AN ADNAMS PLEASE...

In July '92, a fine trip to Southwold saw the mixed team playing hockey against the brewery social club from Adnams, including a brewery visit and LOCK IN in the cellars of that esteemed establishment, prior to going out and thrashing the locals on a rather iffy, cobbled-together grass pitch at a local school. The evening saw the start of a singing partnership with the "Spotty Dog" band, who accompany the Long Crendon morris men. The Sole Bay Inn echoed to the combined voices of hockey player and morris man alike, much to the delight and increased bank balance of the landlord...(Tony Fisher RIP). Ian Willis matched the beer-drinkers pint-for-pint on OJ & Lemonade (must have an iron constitution).

NOBZ 'N' JOCKEYZ.

The  short hiatus from Clacton following the banning of a certain ladies' goalkeeper, possibly for celebrating the tour too spiritedly, continued in 1994 and in an act of solidarity, the men and ladies clubbed together for another rain-soaked Easter festival in Blackpool, where many games were abandonned and the Lancashire cricket club pavilion provided the main focus of activity. The Southwold tour that July focused on consuming enormous amounts of Broadside.

ISLE OF S***TE.

In 1995, with compasses still set in a north-westerly direction, we were again associated with East Antrim for Easter in the Isle of Man. The rain seemed thicker and more persistent here, and hockey was in short supply. This, combined with a truly horrendous hotel (no heating, crap food, crap beer, crap in-house "comedian", and a serious lack of Forsytheness), lingers in the memory as the absolute nadir of touring and just thinking about eating "Blue Pig" rolls- 3 rashers of fatty bacon, plus thick slices of stilton, usually consumed at 3 o'clock in the morning- raises the cholesterol in the blood to life-threatening levels. An early morning trip up the TT course with an inebriated local for skinny dipping is a personal highlight.

In 1996 a triumphant return was made to Clacton, as "Umpiazkorner" - a "hilarous" spoof team of players dressed as umpires. The joke lasted for almost an hour, as the team yet again flattered to deceive by nearly getting to the semi-final. Luxford, aided by his "cloak of invisibility" (Ford flag-see 1991), was now a more serious proposition in the beer tent and the team began to fear for his health...

Despite strong arguments to the contrary, American Pie was sung.

NOBZ 'N' JOCKEYZ GO TO UNIVERSITY!

August Bank Holiday 1996 and back to Belfast, staying in the Queens University halls of residence. Most of our old friends from 1990 had retired- as they seem to do awfully early in that city. Ian Kelly "the liar", Mark Daniels, Gus and Helena all made us very welcome and on the pitch we were semi-finalists in the tourny! Nice to revisit some old haunts, especially The Bot'.

It was especially interesting to see the city in the years after the Good Friday agreement, but the downside was Total Nightmare splitting her knee to hell and making a visit to hospital- the first in a long line of "on tour" injuries.

We returned in '97 and were allowed to stay again in the halls. Some cultural input at the Rotterdam dock with Mary Black in concert, lots and lots of Guinness and the bar crawl to beat all others. Bodily restoration came courtesy of the "Other Place" cafe each morning, but the hockey was a bit thin on the ground.

QUITE A LOT OF STAGS -AND A CARIBOU.

1997 at Clacton saw "Quite a Lot of Stags and a Caribou", the Caribou in question being Scott "F******t" Lindsay.

Andy V had his definitive Elvis outfit, the team were his hula girls in their grass skirts (very painful when worn commando style) and the tour finished up with Verrinder performing as Elvis in the beer tent, complete with all the "left the building" quotes from Colonel Parker alias Adrian Holroyd, whose performance in front of children at the caravan site social club was both hilarious and disturbing.

Unfortunately, yours truly was still the only person that could remember "American Pie" all the way through and found myself at the front with "Elvis" and the band.

THE FUTURE- IT'S NOT THAT BRIGHT!

In '98, the future was indeed orange, but not really that bright. With the team decked out as Buddhist monks (quite aggressive ones though), complete with baldy skull caps that were soon binned owing to their sweat-generating properties. Success on the pitch continued to elude the team.  Off the field, however, our new abode in the magnificent suites of the Waverley Hotel became bedecked with just about anything that wasn't screwed down over the course of the weekend. That year Southwold dropped off the touring radar...!

KIEL HAUL.

1998 saw the establishment of an overseas tour that has become a firm favourite in the mens' hockey calendar. Thom Schuster had been at the club for two years and when he left we charged him with the job of organising a trip to Germany. Thus at Whit' (or Pfingsten as it is called in German) we set off, just the four of us, for Kiel in the north of that country. Some poor preparation (late night, spliff, too many beers and too much whisky!) meant a hectic sprint round the M25 and up the M11 to just make the check -in. We all made it - just. Only for "Mr. Organised" Don Ward to take so long in WH Smith spending his vouchers on jazzmags that he was bumped off the flight and had to offload his luggage. V, Larry and I sat smugly on the plane and anticipated an interesting trip.

Proving the truism that from small beginnings mighty things can grow, we were only four West Herts players, but Thom had promised Olympic standard teammates- and he did not break that promise; only they were Olympic yachtsmen! Great club, great hockey, Fritz the barman, and Don getting shat on by a bird (and by Julia) on the last day were just the first memories of this, our first trip to this excellent bi-annual festival -with the major bonus of WH being the only English team there.

CLACTON - THE DECLINE AND FALL.

1999- More orange-ish shirts this year, as we became "Mutant Ninja Turtle Heads"- alluding to a common condition one finds oneself afflicted by around the third morning of tour. Rooming again at the Waverley (with all fittings back in place), hockey took a back seat to drinking games, especially Commander Pimley, directed by Chairman "Dodgy" Geoff Ashall - "Look into my mince pies.....", "No don't.... Oh Damn too late". The editor discovered just how competitive Dave Monger can be when he took him on at air-hockey, playing out a 0-0 draw (!), boy did he get baity...

Due to a major balls-up in the admin department, the organisers had done away with the beer tent and the regular bar suppliers-a bad mistake, as trying to fit what had gone before into their clubhouse was like trying to fit a quart of Dry Martini/ Baileys/ Urine/ Cheese and Onion crisps/ PURPLE/ cold bitter/ earth/ raw egg into Andy Tye's y-fronts, and the demise of the weekend was above the horizon...Best steal of all tour was General Bigelbow, who formerly stood guard beside the till at our favourite Italian in the town centre and now stands, proudly (courtesy of Luxford) above the door at Park Avenue (memo to self- go to said venue and convey the General to Sun Sports).

The last hurrah for Clacton came in 2000, when "Steve Irwin's Most Dangerous" bestrode the pitches like lame donkeys, Hairy Moan attempted to emulate Luxford by stealing the chef figure from the Italian, only to be foiled ten yards down the road by the owner, the Waverley was about to become a B&B for asylum seekers (not sure what they'd done to deserve that??? The asylum seekers that is...), and the lack of a beer tent was again fatal to the social structure of the festival. Just time for a last circuit on the waltzers (k**b in), and it was off to...

PISSED AT PFINGSTEN, GETTING FRITZED- AGAIN...

Kiel again, but with seven players this time. Another great tour again with the Olympians (and Jean Durgeloh the mythical Belgian). Don was shat on by Julia- again...

No Don, it's a hockey stick (above)

                                                                              Get it down you Wolfy or, about that drink problem...(right)

2001- NO ODYSSEY AT ALL

In 2001 there was no Easter tour; indeed there was no tour of any kind...shame.

BACK ON THE ROAD- FOR SURE

Easter 2002 found us in Rotterdam, a tour marred by the fact that the pitches were a nasty, expensive and, on occasion frightening, taxi ride from the hotel. Also nearly all the other teams at the festival were nearly all English, and included Harrow and Harlow, two of our favourite opponents. The bar was crap (pint of white wine anyone?), and so was the weather. This trip did see the introduction of turtles and other miscellaneous toys to drinking games (see pint of white wine earlier- I saw it both earlier and later thanks to v. strong joint courtesy of Auntie M). 

But the whole thing was redeemed on the last night by the discovery of "Crazy Pianos", a nightclub situated beneath a flyover- not a good premise for a brilliant night out it would appear. Let me set the scene: Up a narrow corridor, through the metal detectors, accompanied by the Tyefist and his remodelled eyebrow, anticipating a complete dive of a club, round the bend into a massive room to see two bright red grand pianos with "crazy" Dutch guys thumping out requests for in return for Guilders...a bit of Focus was granted to the elation of yours truly, Pop's request for Firestarter was treated with the contempt it deserved.

A bell rings every twenty minutes and the barstaff climb onto the bar and dance, very nice...then we discovered...the humidore! and the sushi bar!! all downstairs in a nightclub? For me it has to be about the best in the world (so far). If you are in Rotterdam (or Den Haag) go there...We danced the night- and early morning - away. The pianists retired to leave the stage to a drag artist Tina Turner impersonator; from Harrow of all places.  Single best memory? Dan Moan dancing to "It's Raining Men" while being showered with water by the bar staff, wearing a pac-a-mac with a bevvy of attractive ladies underneath it- excellent shape-throwing Daniel.

BARCELONA, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL HORIZON.

Easter 2003- and the touring committee selects Barcelona as the venue for the tour.

It was a brilliant choice as a destination, the evening meal on first night was truly awesome-a tapas of mussels, frog's legs, snails, dried cod, chorizo...cultural off pitch visits to La Sagrada Familia and Parc Guell- all very high brow...

Accommodated in the old fire station, with an American hockey groupie (Who seemed unable to choose between the Count and Pop; yeah OK she chose the Count), the team was very happy. Until, that is, we had to suffer the hour long coach ride to Terassa HC up in the hills. Nonetheless we were looking forward to getting thrashed by our Spanish hosts and seeing the game their way...

Nah, it was yet another tour playing against bloody Englishmen. The locals were away down the road at Polo watching the European Club Championship.

Still we managed all the usual touring stuff of winning- at the boat race, and losing- on the pitch, and getting pissed. In reality the off the field activities were by now taking over from those on the field; team members getting mugged, drunken crazy golf, hospitalised players, enlarged testicles, synchronised snoring- the list is endless.

"NOBZ 'N' JOCKEYZ" (IL NOBZ ET IL FANTINI) CELEBRATE LIFE AT THE HOTEL GIARDESANO, VERONA 2003 (JP WAS OUT SURFING).

NOBZ 'N' JOCKEYZ RIDING AGAIN.

Summer 2003 saw the Nobz 'n' Jockeyz return and fly off to sunny Verona. A cheap flight to Venice, a two hour coach ride to the hotel only to find ourselves three quarters of an hour from the pitch. We really did feel like package tourists- visit to Lake Garda, Verona for the "culture". Another tour with a lot of English teams, the hockey being played on a slab of concrete in 35 degree heat, all great fun...

We repeated the journey in 2004, only to find that the tour organiser was going to do his job from another country. So we ended up doing it all ourselves. There were NO other touring sides to be found and we ended up playing, and getting beaten by, the same local players several times over two days. What a hoot.

STICKMED TOUR JULY 2005

Now that's what I call an impressive end to a festival!

The Club added yet another touring destination to it's tally when it attended the "Stickmed" festival at the Royal Herakles club at Lier in Belgium.

The combined Daisy Dream Team & Ravens out of Water.

l-r Cat, Pop, Fist, Drev, Jean D, Dovey, Jabba, Rach, Daniella, Larry, Cpt. Ralph, Nobby, J, Jess.

A mixed touring side saw the reunion of friends from Warwick and Leeds universities, and from West Herts club and acquaintances from the Kiel tour.
Arriving a day and a half early for the hockey allowed us to avail ourselves of the considerable food and drink delights of Antwerp, as well as assisting the organisers in putting up several large marquees- in return for free beer- yummy.

After a lively welcome night, the hockey began in earnest.

Playing the now familiar format of mixed seven a side, the two West Herts teams "Daisy Dream Team", and "Ravens out of Water", struggled initially to assess how the locals judged their tackles. Indeed it was a bit like playing against a whole team of Buzzings, Brydens (M), and Purchases...

We didn't win too many games but ran close numerous times.

The lingering memory of the tour will be the impressive hospitality, that included a picnic hamper for Saturday lunch, full meal for 500 people on the Saturday, disco and band, a monster BBQ (with frites and, OF COURSE, mayonnaise) on the Sunday, and sundry other details that marked it out as one of the best tours the team has seen!

"Benidorm night", Jabba, Drev, J Man, Daniella, Jean Durgeloh, Cpt Ralph.

Any stories circulating that the organiser of the tour didn't know his Brussels stations are completely true! Still, an exciting taxi ride though the attractive streets of Brussels echoed the car chase in The French Connection and gave those who hadn't been there before a chance to see the sights; we made the train with minutes to spare...perfectly judged. South African Jason Murray was bricking it as he was minutes away from breaking the terms of his Schengen.

Easter 2006- Dublin's fair city...

...and Captain Ralph's Stag do. Corinthians club provided the hockey and the entertainment and the touring party downed spectacular amounts of Art Guinness' famous product.

On the pitch we were saved by having young Ed Welch (sponsored onto the tour by Wilf and Jabba and Larry), whose two spectacular goals against the cocks of Durham university will long remain in the memory. It was the tour of Pop will.......himself the first of his trilogy of amusing happenings (we hope). There was craic to be had too and the staff of Jury's hotel were very patient with 500 inebriate hockey players until the early hours.

The whole weekend was rounded off in spectacularly civilised style by a visit to the Jaipur restaurant for a very high quality curry and Jabba's ostentation with the wine list was noted.

2006 Salisbury Festival- August 25th-28th. 

One tour, one event- The death of the Pitbull inside two days.

Easter 2007- West Herts goes to Holyhead, or The long road to Dublin's fair (and now smokeless) city.

Captain Ralph had the blinding good sense to organise driving to Holyhead and getting the ferry, a kind of ecological knee jerk against flying unnecessarily short journeys. We would have liked to have taken the cheap train/ ferry deal but a cunning combination of engineering works and the alignment of the planets scuppered that good idea so it was seven hours in the driving seat for those that took the short straw.

We were united for this one with Thomas Schuster who eschewed the black stuff and drank lager all weekend. Cultural challenges involved trying to explain one day cricket to a Kraut (unsuccessful), getting over the arrogance of the beans of Jersey (impossible), understanding the Spanish of the Gibraltar team (indecipherable) and finding the ineptitude of the Pembroke team amusing (unlikely). 

Jabba trollied his ankle (or fancied a barman, not sure which) and sat all afternoon watching England lose in the World Cup to Australia.Schuster tried to vandalise some shops and seemed to want to get arrested, and Pop completed part two of his odyssey by getting pissed on by a Jack Russell (The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Daytime). In truth the hockey was a bit crap as there weren't enough teams. The Jaipur was very good again and Richard Egg' showed his remarkable late drinking ability. The drive home was even worse than the one out and we decided to fly next time (if there is one-ed), but probably not to Dublin again.

Pfingsten 2008- Where the hell is Travemunde, and Jabba, and our kit, and Bailey's common sense?

May 10th-12th saw us returning to Germany. We had been looking forward to the fabulous seamless organistaion of the Kiel festival, only to be told the month before that the powers that be at Kiel had declared that there weren't enough sides attending (only 34!), and it wasn't worth running the festival. Cue panic at our end and requests to the German contingent to arrange something else; Cat came up trumps with a festival on grass at Travemunde, a short train ride to the north of Lubeck-SORTED!

With Jabba taking over the kit we were all lined up for our ultra smart "Kukri" shirts, shorts AND socks- slick organisation was the order of the day! This sartorial marvel was "supposed" to arrive with us during the week before we left, supposed turned out to be the operative word as there was still no sign of it arriving when we set off for Stansted, a promise from Kukri that they would courier the gear to us in Germany seemed unlikely to be fulfilled- also, where was Jabba? A business trip to Shanghai would mean he would arrive a day late (he has previous on this), but he WOULD make it. Yeah, B**locks! Cat managed to procure some spare polos so we at least had an identity before we took to the field.

As usual we were soundly thrashed at hockey and relied on coming into our own in the bar afterwards. Rob "Bailey" Bradley managed to self destruct on afternoon 1...and evening 1...and evening 3, the sight of a man going to the shower in order to wash his tent and sleeping bag seemed to unnerve the natives. I don't recall having seen anyone looking quite so awful at the end of an enjoyable 3 days. Wilfy entertained by drinking a 2 litre carafe of sparkling mineral water and we rounded off the trip with a dip in the Baltic while looking like typical seaside Brits, the water was- surprise, surprise- freezing.

In 2009 the credit crunch struck and there was no tour.

In 2010 we are already booked in for Dublin. Watch this space...

Captain Ralph.